Tire Groover: This tool is used to cut pieces of rubber out of a perfectly good $150.00 race tire. The tire manufacturer must sell the tool as it shortens the life of the tire by a factor of 10. The groover also keeps the crew chief busy while the driver hits on his girlfriend. It makes a lot of smoke and tends to make other race teams begin the same fruitless endeavor.

 

Flagman: Someone that stands in a tower, waving pieces of colored cloth frantically like a blackbird with feet stuck to a hot tarred road. The flagman also makes hand gestures that must only make sense to low flying aircraft, as no driver seems to have clue as to what to do. Some drivers must really like the flagman because they show them that they are number ,1,, every time they drive by.

 

The Hauler: This is generally a 48-foot semi trailer, which hauls the car, tools and spare parts. They are now so big that the crew can hide these parts, tools, and equipment so well that they will never be seen again.

 

Crew Chief: The crew chief is the team manager and the person that is most knowledgeable about the car and its set up. He has the keen ability to translate the gibberish spouted by the driver, and nods his head positively, even though he has no plan of making any changes. The Crew Chief is a person that takes all the blame when the car will not go Roundy-Round the way the driver thinks it should. If by some miracle of divine intervention, the car does win. Lord knows it will not be because of the car or the set up; it will all be due to the unbelievable talent of the driver. Fans believe the drivers are the key to a winning effort, much as four year olds believe in Santa. To prove their belief, the fans flock to the drivers to have them sign t-shirts, popcorn boxes and beer cans. These treasures will then be proudly displayed on dashboard of their pick up truck.

 

Dark Sunglasses: These dark tinted eye covers allow old racers the ability to ogle young girls without the knowledge to all around of the evil thoughts going through their heads. If the glasses were removed, the eyes are spinning like a slot machine.

 

Traction Control: This is a device that when purchased for large amounts of money will move the guy that usually finishes last to second to last. Real Drivers would never purchase an illegal part to make them win!

 

MSD Ignition System: No one really understands this device. It is powered by smoke as once you let the smoke out it does not work anymore.

 

Driver: This is a guy that dresses up like a member of Village People, which pilots the racecar. They have incredible way of making it sound like they are always on the cusp of some amazing earth-shattering find that will make the car a rocket. When this does not happen, they are programmed to say, "I think if the race would have lasted five more laps we had something for them." They tend to stand in groups of other similarly dressed opponents where they discuss racing while they pretend to hold the steering wheel to reenact an incredible driving maneuver. You will generally find these driver gatherings while the driver has left the pit trailer to "CHECK THE TRACK"

 

Engine: This incredibly powerful device propels the car on the racetrack.Engines range from 30 to 50 thousand dollars depending on which liar you are talking to. It works on the same principle as the MSD Ignition system.
However at times it can put on a fireworks show, which will match your hometowns Fourth of July Celebration.

 

Engine Gauges: These pretty displays are never looked at once racing begins.